Innocence is the opposite of integrity

this is the final stretch: i'm done on tuesday - done with papers, exams, and my WAVAW training, all at the same time.

when i throw my entire self into school work, give it my all, i lose any sense of self. so i am really looking forward to re-finding myself at the end of this..... maybe even finding someone a little bit different?

marvin will be around starting on thursday, so there will definately be opportunities for me to focus on having fun, connecting to the here-and-now.

and then, on mondaythe 28th, i start the buddhism studies program.

Even with extensions, and even though I am pulling an all-nighter tonight, I don't know if i will get all my school work done in time... this task feels impossible, and my rationale is telling me that it may, in fact, actually be impossible. I hate that there is a chance that I could give it my all, and still not succeed....

Its so tempting to just give up and go to sleep.

And I am warding off some pretty intense and persistent negative energy from someone I used to love. This has been draining, painful, and enraging.

I'm just feeling ready to hide away from the world for a few days, but i know that i won't have the chance to do that until at least the beginning of june.

At least I have really good candy right now - twerpz, australian licorice, and sour keys.

mmmmmmmm.... candy

Ok, I feel better

Life has been flowy and fitting for who I am right now.

My birthday this year was such a strange mish-mash. My birthday party was perfect! It was by far the best party I have ever thrown. Such an interesting mix of people showed up. There were so many meetings of people who would not have met otherwise due to involvement in very different social scenes. The next day, I went down to wreck beach with the fantastic 4 for a magical adventure that was full of beauty and cuddles, as well as conflict and challenges. My actual birthday was quite hellish. I had to wake up at 4am to study for a psych test that day. Even once the test was over, I was in an uncomfortable state because of no sleep, PMS, and too much caffeine. And then D let my birthday plans unravel, and i spent the entire evening crying and ranting like a madwoman. Overall, my entire birthday experience was like my actual life - a crazy collage of agony, ecstasy, and adventure.

Then, last weekend, I went to Victoria to visit Jess and Lee. My visit with Jess afforded me the chance to peak into her life and see what her world looks like. I also enjoyed the chance to give her my undivided attention, which is quite difficult for me to do when she is in vancouver. Time with Lee ended up being more social than I had anticipated, but still lovely and special in its own way.

I have 5 essays due in the next week. So I have a lot to do... but somehow feel calm. Which is bad because the only thing that gets me to stop procrastinating is stress! That's okay... I'll pull it off - I always do.

And pretty much right after this term ends, I will be starting a program in which I'll be studying buddhism in Japan - I'll be gone for most of May. I am so excited!

As far as my inner life, I have been working really hard to identify certain passive-aggressive and otherwise destructive patterns in my thinking in hopes of behaving better... it's difficult!

Ive been in a very grounded, roots-oriented place for the past 2 months. I've been spending lots of time studying and chilling with close friends, and not so much going out to parties and clubs. I guess I'm hibernating

School has been going okay, although I am pretty far behind in my school work :S this adds a blanket of anxiety to every other part of my life.

I feel like I have become more perceptive and tuned in, more energetically aware. I have been picking up some subtleties that, in the past, would have totally alluded me. I think it's easier to notice smaller vibrations when my life is quiet. and. still.

according to careercruising.com, the best careers for me would be...

1. Social Worker


2. Art / Music Therapist


3. Addictions Counselor


4. Occupational Therapist


5. Recreation Therapist


6. Humanitarian Aid Worker


7. Rehabilitation Counselor


8. Librarian


9. Gerontologist


10. Actor


pretty much what i expected

i think its time for an update on my life...

I have been in school for the past week and a half, and so far so good. It actually feels pretty good to be in a classroom... this feeling is a first for me. i am especially enjoying my philosophy of ethics class.

Life outside of school is good. For the first time in a long time, I am in a living situation that feels stable, comfortable, and safe. I have been spending time around people who are good-hearted and are helping me grow. My romantic life is, at the moment, quite satisfying (although a little bit unstable).

The only thing that is not going well is my mood - i have been feeling anxious a lot. Sometimes I am freaking out about the most insignificant little things, and sometimes i am stressing out about nothing (literally). It has become quite a distraction. I want to start making my way through the book "mind over mood" in attempt to resolve this problem.

i am so not ready to start school on tuesday.

Shambhala was so crazy. i am still winding down from it.

i can't believe that school starts in 2 and a half weeks.! i still have so much to get done before then!

i am planning to go to some of the films for the Out On Screen festival. if anyone is interested in coming, give me a shout

i'm in amsterdam and having a lot of fun, and have been doing a lot of really deep self-reflection. things are very very good! i have to get off this computer soon.. i will write a longer entry when i get home

Things are feeling a little bit less crazy and chaotic recently. I have realized that when it comes right down to it, i am in control of the chaos, and could choose to stop it at any time. On that note, it is my intention that before school starts again in september, i will get to the point of having a tidy, organized room. Please note that, for me, this task is much easier said than done.

I found a "plan B" kind of ride to shambhala, which has taken a huge load off my chest (i thought i was going to have to hitchhike). there is another ride i could take that would be a definite "plan A" due to the coolness of the person that the ride is with, but unfortunately, he won't know for sure whether he is going to shambhala until a week from now, at which point i will be out of the country.

i am going to europe with my mom. i am leaving on saturday. originally, this trip was supposed to be a trip to a family wedding in france, but after both me and her realizing that there was no point in me going to the actual wedding, the plan was changed. me and my mom will go to france together, then i will split off from her and head to amsterdam, and will meet back up with her in italy. the trip will be just over two weeks long, and i will be back in vancouver for august 7th, just in time for shambhala.

on either end of the trip, i will have just enough time in toronto to spend some time with Kristian Moonflower, which should tide me over until september, when he will be coming to vancouver. my ongoing connection with Kristian has definately been a challenging lesson in trusting the universe.

eeep! i feel so overwhelmed by life right now. sometimes i seriously over-extend myself energetically. right now i am spread way too thin

i want to go live in the forest again

I love vancouver! I had been having so much fun travelling around that i had forgotten how much i love this place.

This week has been so full of awesomeness. The highlights have been..

going on a crazy awesome trip with K, N, and N. so much shit got worked out, and although there were some rocky bits of the trip that were difficult to navigate, it was totally worth it.

L's party on saturday night. Lots of cycles completed themselves during the party, and i left feeling very good, relaxed, and comfortable in my own skin. I also had a few firsts that were pretty exciting.

Marilee's Pirate Tea Party. It was so much fun to dress up as a pirate and meet so many cool people.

Dinner at Erin's place. good people, good conversations, good food. i am planning to go back next week

i have to leave vancouver again in a week and a half. while i am really excited about the trip, some part of me doesn't want to leave, or at least not so soon.

I had such an awesome time travelling around for the past months.

I spent the first 2 weeks in Haida Gwaii. I did soooo much work while I was there - over 200 pages of work, actually! Nevertheless, i did truly enjoy myself while i was there. I was with an awesome group of people, learned so much, and got to experience the mystical energy that resonates there in ways that felt very concrete and meaningful.

Then, I spent a week at the Om festival. Because my trip to Haida Gwaii was so work intensive, I was pretty stressed out by the time I got to Om. Om really did the job of chilling me out! The combination of living in the forest and being around people who are very cool and non-stressful to be around really helped me unwind. Om this year was the best thing EVER. I am going to make a habit of coming for the entire week of Om, instead of just the last few days like I did last year.

My week in Toronto was crazy (of course). I spent all of my time running around from one person to the next, trying to make sure that I got to see all of my family and friends before I had to leave. I didn't get stressed out, though, because i was still in the Om vibration, and even the craziness of Toronto couldn't shake that.

Being back in Vancouver has been good. On friday night I went to Mimi and Anthony's Masquerade Ball. I had so much fun! I met a lot of really cool people, and managed to let go of myself to the point where I was dancing in a nearly trance-like state. Canada day was good - I went to Anti-Canada Day, as well as "Cannabis Day" celebrations. And yesterday I went to the Poetry Slam with David.

Now that I am back and not in school, I have free time to hang out with people.... so feel free to give me a call - i miss you, vancouver people!

i am back in vancouver, catching my breath

bye, everyone! i am off to Haida Gwaii for two weeks to finish up my Aboriginal Studies program. and right after, i am going to ontario for two weeks to go to Om and to visit people.

at least for the next two weeks, i will not have phone or email access.

everyone have a great month, and i will see you at the end of june!

The graffiti on the wall of a bathroom in my college says...

ERASER
ERASER
ERASER
ERASER
ERASER

CRAP
CRAP
CRAP
CRAP
CRAP

GO PISS
GO PISS
GO PISS
GO PISS
GO PISS

GOD BLESS


..... and i just can't help but wonder what steam of thought could possibly have led to this. i think i am doomed to be curious forever

AHHHH!!!!!!!!!

i am completely freaking out about school! in the upcoming week, i have

- 3 essays due - 2 for aboriginal studies, 1 for environmental studies
- 1 biology field report (including a really confusing graph that i have to make) due
- 4 major tests
- and a "journal" which is expected to be 20-40 pages long for aboriginal studies

and i feel really discouraged because i have been working really hard for the past month but i still feel like i'm in way over my head and am constantly trying to catch my breath

and really, it's my fault for signing up for a program that i knew was going to be really intense, but i didn't expect THIS!

and on top of my schoolwork i am balancing 4 quasi-romantic relationships, and a bunch of friendships...

this really cute, smart, interesting guy is driving down from seattle this weekend just to see me, so that we can hang out before i leave for a month, and i am seriously considering cancelling on him. this sucks!

and Cat, who is this really awesome girl who i have been secretly wanting to be friends with for months is starting to call me up wanting to hang out, and i can't!

and i'm not even answering emails from Yehuda, Dragon, and Possum, who I consider to be some of my closest friends!

i feel so trapped. and worst of all, i feel so immobilized by all this work that i am wasting time ranting about it in livejournal

sorry to be such a downer, but i really needed to get that out

how am i supposed to support my friends and make them feel loved when i don't even have time to brush my teeth anymore!?

The housewarming party went really well. It ended up as a giant cuddle-puddle on Mel's wonderful King-sized bed. It was so nice to have our house filled with so many awesome people. The whole place is still vibrating from the leftover energy.

My life is going pretty well. School is really fucking intense right now. I am having trouble keeping up with the workload. This would be completely unbearable if the course material was boring, but as it is, I am completely fascinated by all of my courses: Contemporary Aboriginal Issues, Aboriginal Culture, Environmental Studies, and a Biology course.

And I feel love flowing easily and freely in and out of my heart. I haven't felt like this for a while. Maybe it's a seasonal thing for me.

Yes, It's today!

Friday May 11th

anytime after 7pm

at house of Lauren and Mel

1416 E 10th Ave Vancouver.

there will be some food, but BYOB.

Feel free to pass this on to people you think would be appropriate.

word on the street is: there will NOT be naked co-ed twister. just in case that was the only reason you were going to come.

spring time symbolises rebirth. how appropriate - my life is changing in so many ways at the moment. painful changes. exciting changes. exhilerating, exhausting, unexpected changes.

i keep feeling a blooming/opening feeling on the top of my head - i experience this as something in between a physical sensation and an involuntary visualisation.

but my abdomen feels so empty. no amount of chocolate or pizza or noodle soup seems to make this feeling go away. neither does support from friends or sexual attention from men.

i need to learn how to let go of the past. i have the nasty habit of holding on to something, anything, to remind me of the things that have given me comfort in past lives.

move on, lauren.

i need to spend some time (a few weeks) on my own to find my center. but i don't see myself finding the time to do that anytime soon.